The world has literally slowed down. Most people lives have been slowed down. The pandemic has been the cause. Globally, people have been stuck indoors for months and it seems this lockdown may continue for months ahead. Who knows what lies ahead? Some even believe that this virus is the start of the end of the world. But what I do know is that this slow down of the hustle and bustle and the fast life that we engage in has brought some self-reflection. Now more than ever people have time to sit and think about their lives, their feelings, their relationships, their flaws and successes. For me, I have thought over relationships and situations I have been in and realised so many things. I have tried to use the time to forgive but I know I can never forget. And that’s okay.

This introspection can bring back traumatic memories but the thing is we have time to sort out these feelings. Don’t run away from it and don’t numb it. Grow through the pain, don’t run from it. That’s the thing, the fast life we all want to live provides a temporary escape from our pain and thoughts. It has become addictive to turn to places of entertainment and substances to forget it all but now because of this virus we have to face it once again. But slowing down isn’t so much a bad thing. We could learn a lot and we could discover peace from the confines of our homes and minds.

Throughout my life I have always heard people telling me ” be strong” or ”everything will be okay”. And though I know things will work out, I often ask myself what does it mean to be strong. Does it mean not to cry or have breakdowns? Does it mean just keep going and don’t look back? Does it mean to not be vulnerable? Does it mean don’t talk bout my problems? Does it mean be silent and do what I have to do?

Thing is each problem or curveball that life hits us requires a different level of strength. Not just the physical strength but I am talking bout the emotional and mental strength. You see, no one ever taught me how to grieve or what should I do when I’m unable to walk for two months or how to let someone go. In fact, I don’t think anyone can teach us how to be strong. It’s something you have to choose to do. It’s something you want to do.

My brother recently reminded me that we grew up tough, not that we didn’t get love from our parents, but we grew up working hard for even the littlest of things. We had what we needed and that was that. But our mother always told us be strong and we didn’t know what that was. As kids, we observed how she was strong. Most times, we realised she hid from us her pains, her financial struggles and even her grief. I recently learnt of most of those things she hid from us and when I asked her why she did that, she said she didn’t want us worry but more so, she didn’t want to seem weak and vulnerable.

That’s the thing, we never want to seem weak and down and out. Because we know there are people around us that would talk about us and make us feel as if something is wrong with us for feeling a certain way. I hid most of pain and when I did share it with people they often didn’t care. And then eventually the few people I became close to and trust now, when I tell them of my stories they believe they too have the strength to carry on. Often enough, I get the question ”How do you be strong?” and my answer is ” It’s a process. It didn’t happen in one week nor one year”. The journey will never be easy. And that may seem daunting and problematic but you have to remember it’s a process and within you holds all the tools you need for the journey or challenge you face or going to face.

One thing I have learnt and I am currently accepting is that it is okay to cry and have breakdowns. These past eight months I have had so many of those, you can’t even begin to imagine. Most of those days I didn’t want to get off the bed or do anything. But I did eventually get up and do what I have to. And nobody knew how much I cried the night before or how sick I became because of my breakdowns. It took a toll on my immunity, blood pressure, hormones, weight, stress level. I didn’t want to face the fact that all that happened because of trauma. Now I am accepting it as it is. And I do not feel ashamed to say that I have been struggling and I am stronger now because of all that. I choose everyday to try and do what I can even if it’s hard. I owe it to myself to get better. And that’s my message about inner strength. You may not have my story and struggles but the point I am making is that it is okay to cry, feel hurt, down, frustrated. We’re human. That’s all part of the healing process and after that release of your emotions, get back up and keep trying to get better. Keep improving yourself and yes there will be days when those dark clouds come again and yes you will down. But always remain focused on you, on what you want to become, where you want to reach and plan ahead on how you are going to do that.

So much have happened in my life over the past few months and I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Being overwhelmed has been the most dominant emotion. I literally feel as if my new reality isn’t my reality. As if its a never ending nightmare. Confused, scared, worried, sad. Why? Maybe because so much is happening over a short period of time. Maybe because my expectations about what my life is supposed to be, seems to be distant and impossible. Maybe because I don’t know how to adapt to change so rapidly. Or maybe because I don’t know what will happen next. Would good things happen after all these bad things already occurred? Thing is, I really am not sure. And I am learning that all I can do is just try. Try to live, try to adapt, try to be happy, try to enjoy the little things, try to let go of all the pain and anxiety, try to breathe and let life happen, try to go with the flow but still be mindful of all that is happening around me and act sensibly. How can I do that when I am constantly feeling lost or scared? Change my perspective. Make sense of these new changes and feelings and channel such awareness to create a new perspective. A perspective where I see things exactly as they are and determine how I will use these obstacles to move forward and develop my mind, body and soul. A perspective where I see these problems as an opportunity to challenge myself and go forward. A perspective of progress. A perspective of taking care of myself regardless of how people treat me and think of me, A perspective of self care, love and acceptance of who I am. These are the perspectives I want to see. Maybe you want to see them to.

I won’t lie, its not at all easy. But I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and just keep going. I already been through so much. And I know I can get through this although it may take some time. It requires a new level of strength, wisdom, mindset and dedication. And yes, there will be days when I slip and I remember my old perspectives and all the pain and I may cry as I already do. But that’s okay. As long as I don’t stop moving forward. Cry but then wash your face and move on boldly. Self talk is a great tool. It can break you or make you. What you tell yourself can help you rise to the challenge or it can make you fall back down. Nobody can do this for you or me.

There will come a time in life where you have to decide whether or not to walk away from a situation or a person. There comes a time when you feel unsure about what to do or how to react or how to move forward. Should I walk away? Should I give him another chance? Would she ever change? Is he good for me? Can I ever forgive and forget? These questions linger in your mind night and day. And the answer is simply yes or no but often a times we try to convince ourselves of how we should feel or we decide based on what other people think we should do. The real question is how do YOU truly feel? What do you think about him/her or the situation after the anger subsided? How do you truly feel when you understand the circumstances? Do you think you could see that person again? Do you think they made an honest mistake in hurting you? Or is this their true nature?

Most times we know these answers but they come to us after some time, after serious self searching, after proper analysis of everything, after settling some of the bitterness and pain. Sadly, for some of us we know what we have to do but it hurts, you know. You love him, why would you walk away? You’ve been through so much already, why separate? Or you’ve grown accustomed to being insulted or abused already, what more can I do because I am helpless?

The truth is we all have the choice to walk away from toxic people, abusive people, negativity, pain. It may sting your heart but after awhile you realize that it is time to heal and move on. You have to understand how toxic that person was and what they did to you was traumatic. Distancing yourself from all that makes the picture more clearer and you realize what you really deserve in life and how you should be treated.

Or you may decide to stay because you understand what that person done to you could be forgiven and fixed. Maybe this was the first time she lied to you but maybe it was for a good reason. But you have to explain to that person your no lying policy even if it is a ”good” lie.

It’s all up to you. But don’t walk away simply because you feel it’s the easiest thing to do. Do what is right for you, not what is easy. Decide based on your standards. Decide based on this person’s history with you. Look back and understand how they behaved with you before. It could be a friend , spouse, relative, boyfriend, girlfriend. With all these relationships, only you can decide if to stick around or try to fix things or walk away from the situation now because its beyond repair. Also, you have to realize that you cannot FIX anyone. They have to understand the nature of their faults and the consequences of their actions. And yes you can discuss that with them and if they hurt you more or insult you or never they never try to correct their behavior then , my love, you know what you have to do. Because you have to protect your peace.

I have been one who walked away from pain, insults, emotional abuse. I couldn’t take anymore. I felt frustrated, embarrassed, alone, threatened, bitter. I didn’t have the strength to trust anyone. I still do have trust issues because of traumatic events I’ve encountered within that relationship. It’s tough but slowly I’m healing. I work on me and I try to understand that within me holds great power and I want you know that you do too. Don’t feel obligated to stay with your bf/gf or spouse or friend just because you are afraid of being alone, or because you love them. I learnt that you could love someone and send them best wishes from a distance. Sometimes it’s best to stay far but still wish them the best and move on.

Each one of us has reached a point in our lives where we feel helpless, disappointed, hurt, broken, empty or even sad. We feel as if we are in a pit of misery and doom and we feel like this for some time. For some, it lasts days, for some it may last months. The cause of your pain and despair may seem to be hanging around for long or the problem may lead to other problems and it’s all too much. I’ve been there. I’ve hit that low point atleast 6 times a year ( no joke). And no matter what I do to not feel down and out about life situations, I still end up feeling hurt or lost. And some people keep telling you ”That’s life”. That phrase annoys me to be honest although it’s true. But when you are in a low point in life, no cliched phrase could help you. It’s not funny to you because you are the one stuck in a situation and no one could really know how you feel or what’s going on inside of you.

But what I have learnt about being in such depressing situations is that you start to see things clearer. You start to realise what really matters, where you are in life, how you really feel, what’s going on inside you, who or what surrounds you. You start to slowly put things in perspective. You question everything and you try to understand your current situation. Once you’ve reached that point, you learn to discover solutions. And these solutions maybe short term or long term. It’s up to you to decide what direction where you want to go. If you make those decisions too quickly, it may not be logical solutions. So, you got to sort out your emotions before you make decisions and understand completely what has caused you to feel this way and why do you feel this way before you make decisions.

I’ve been in situations where I felt betrayed or hurt emotionally by others and I always ask myself why did it have to happen to me. We all ask God ”why me?”. And truth be told, no one knows. But whatever it is, we have to go through it with strength, wisdom and courage. Those things come through prayer, good efforts, faith, spiritual upliftment etc. Positive practices produce positive results. And believe me, positive thinking is one of the most difficult things to do when you reach a low point in life where everything seems to be against you. But easy does it. Don’t expect things to get better over night. Those positive practices take a while to become long term habits but they work once you put in the effort.

When people bring up the topic of racism they automatically begin to think about white people hating or abusing black people. But in the 21st century within the Caribbean context, the racism phenomenon goes way beyond that. Historically, the ”whites” which are the Europeans, ruled the Caribbean for quite a significant period of time and their influence is still felt quite strongly due to globalisation as well as their historical roots that they have planted in the Caribbean in various sectors of society.

But if we were to analyse racism in the Caribbean more profoundly, we would see how racism lies within our own Caribbean bred and raised brothers and sisters. For the purposes of this blog, I will use Trinidad and Tobago as an example throughout owing to the fact that I am Trinidadian and I have experienced and witnessed racism amongst various ethnic races in Trinidad and Tobago.

Without a doubt, Africans and East Indians are the largest ethnic groups in Trinidad and Tobago. I am sure each citizen of Trinidad and Tobago have heard racist slurs regarding these two races. For example, the terms ” nigger” and ”coolie” are commonly used to refer to Africans and East Indians. Those terms have been around since slavery and indentureship periods and are still used today as a racist slur. Those words carry various connotations and when used in arguments or disagreements, those terms referring to one’s ethnicity, carry heavy hate, disgust alongside racist behaviour. Although such racism has been developed during periods of European colonisation it still persists today, unfortunately. However, it has been observed that the younger generation are not as racist as the older generation which can be a result of education and increased levels of interaction amongst youths.

There are subtler forms of racism, for instance, Indian parents not allowing their children to date Africans and vice versa. Some parents do have African friends and neighbours and still, continue their non-acceptance of Africans into their family structure. Their friends or co-workers are often not aware of such racist practice as they believe such an individual gets along fine with people of other races. I have frequently heard the expression ” I have negro friends, therefore, I am not racist”. Having friends that are of another race does not mean you aren’t racist. Racism goes way beyond the interaction with other races, it also entails how you interact with other races, what you think about them, what you say about them behind your back.

There are so many subtle and obvious forms of racism in our country and it is quite unfortunate to know that racist acts and comments are shared each day in spite of us claiming and boasting to be a multiethnic society. Even other races of people example Chinese and Latin American immigrants do face racism and that is a whole other discussion.

My message to you is to try your best to understand and appreciate others around you. Be tolerant and respectful.

Yours truly,

Reshma Catherine.

These two topics are quite near and dear to me because I have experienced both in my life and they sometimes still affect my life. Battling with them both have placed me on a constant search and journey to find inner peace and happiness. What you’re about to read are some things I have learnt and messages I would like to pass onto you. If you do suffer from depression and anxiety, I wish you the best and I do hope we can all find love within us and brighter days ahead. 

We live in a strange time where people from countries that have the most, feel like they have the least. People that have so many reasons to be happy are not happy. Recent studies have shown that people that comparison is the cause of such unhappiness. Is it because of social media? Are we constantly trying to follow the trends of those we see on social media? That is one possible reason why we feel insufficient, as we are lacking things or not good enough. I have realised this problem within myself and such comparison is the thief of joy as Theodore Roosevelt said. 

Big lesson: Never compare yourself to others.

It doesn’t matter how great you are, if you’re not GRATEFUL for who you are and what you have, you’ll never be happy. There’s always going to be someone who has more money than you, there will always be someone doing better than you, someone fitter than you, better looking than you. If you are always comparing yourself you’ll always lose.

One thing other people will never have over you: THEY ARE NOT YOU.

Your greatest asset is that you are unique. The less you care (about other people’s opinions) the happier you be. Unhappiness and depression come when you focus on what you don’t have. Instead, if we appreciate what we do have, and focus on where we do want to be, we can feel better almost instantly. Appreciation and gratitude is the single most powerful way out of depression or any low states.

You can not feel both deep gratitude and negativity at the same time. If you say you can, you’re not feeling the gratitude. You might be saying you’re grateful, but you couldn’t be feeling it, because science shows that gratitude and depression do not go together.

A very important principle to note is selective depression and anxiety. There are moments of grief, pain, heartache, disappointments that cause us to feel sad or unhappy or even uneasy about what will happen next. That happens because of certain triggers and those feelings may not last for long.

There is a common perception that “I can only be happy if x y z occurs in my life”.

Having rules like ”I can only be happy if” will always ensure unhappiness because LIFE will always throw challenges and obstacles your way. Keeping this in mind, you then can understand on an intellectual level, that depression and anxiety do not have to be permanent. You have to figure out why you feel down, by learning about how your brain works, how your mind works, and you can direct it to something that feels much better long term.

You are a human being and you are going to have ups and downs but how you respond to those challenges and pain is important. How you respond to how things work out will determine the quality of your life. The truth is the pain you feel when you are depressed is coming from your thoughts about your current life situation or situations. Not the events but your thoughts about the events. So change your thoughts. Easy does it. The key principle in overcoming unhappiness of depression is NOT to focus on the depression. That’s what most people do and the reason it never goes away.

What you have to do is create a compelling vision of where you want to be and focus on that. Keep working on it. Focus on how you want to feel. Feel how you would feel if everything in your life fell into place. You have to feel excited to reach your goals, so don’t be miserable today. The thing that keeps one going is having a sense of FUTURE. The thing that tears us down is not having one.

DON’T GIVE UP! YOU ARE WORTHY!

1. You have to visualise what you want to achieve and where you want to be.
2. focus on feeling good
3. do the work
4. stop checking who’s doing what on social media
5. stop constantly checking your messages to see if they replied
6. blast that music up and get lost in the music more
7. stop comparing yourself to him/her. You are enough and worthy
8. stop apologizing for being sick or emotionally drain.
9. stop trying to get them to want you, if they want you they will ask
10. stop refraining from appreciating yourself
11. create
12. you don’t need people
13. stop overthinking
14. let go and let god do the rest
15.  know what makes you happy
16. fall in love with taking care of yourself
17. be patient
18. you don’t have to respond and react to every God damn thing
19. read more
20. meditate more

 

This year definitely has to be one of the most difficult years for me ever honestly !! We are only a few days away from 2019 and that fact scares me a bit but I am also trying to be positive and hoping for great things in 2019. However, I will admit that I have accomplished a few goals and that I am eternally proud of. And the past few days I have been through a down slide and I laid in bed and seriously contemplated on 2018 and you should do this as well. But don’t only think about the bad things that happened but also the good things even if it’s small. Take note of those things especially your feelings, behaviours, habits and attitude. 

Make a list of some of things you are grateful for in 2018. It could as simple as having your parents around still or building a closer friendship with someone. Gratitude is important and you need to look at that list in 2019 and remind yourself how much these things mean to you. Keep being grateful in 2019 for things that happened in 2018. Those things are what kept you going to even reach in 2019. So don’t forget it.

You could even make a list of accomplishments. Again, it doesn’t have to be anything too grand, it could be simple accomplishments like battling depression, graduating, passing all your courses, obtaining your drivers license or learning to cook finally. ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE CONQUERED IN 2018 !! Even overcoming certain obstacles are a huge accomplishment, trust me. All those matter because darling, you are in going into 2019 with skills and knowledge that you acquired in 2018. Every experience changes you in ways that you may not even beware of.

One more thing you can write down is a list of lessons learnt in 2018. You may think that making lists is boring but you are not only creating a list, you are retrospecting and analysing how you felt in 2018 and understanding how you have grown or fallen. I am sure you have learnt some things in 2018 because as I said every experience causes a reaction within you whether you like or not, so take note of it.

Throughout 2019 review those lists above. Let them be a reminder but let those lists help you step across 2019 with new wisdom and understanding about you are and your experiences.